Six Steps to Encouraging Your Child

You can't change your child's temperament. If your child is naturally cautious and quiet, you're not going to transform him or her into a gregarious extrovert, and that's OK. Parents can, however, exert a positive influence on their children in terms of how they feel about themselves. You can encourage your child in a way that says, "You're wonderful," and, "It's OK to take some risks." Here are six steps to guide you.

Step 1: Start from a position of acceptance. We encouraged you to practice acceptance - to find the good in yourself and your situation - and not berate yourself for your perceived flaws. Now you must do the same with your child. You must appreciate the unique strengths of your child and not try to change him or her into someone else.

It's good to keep in mind that shyness and sensitivity are not necessarily "good" or "bad" traits, but ones that are valued differently depending upon where you live. There is nothing inherently wrong with you or your child. Of course, you'll want to help your child learn skills to succeed in our western culture, but that doesn't mean you have to stamp out shyness.

Assure children that you love them just as they are. At the same time, let them know you're available to help them master their social anxiety so they can feel more confident and at ease - and do the things they want to do.

Step 2: Support your child by listening and identifying feelings. An important part of encouraging children is to listen to them and help them identify what they are feeling. This holds true for any feelings, not just those that involve feeling shy or anxious. Although this sounds easy enough in theory, it can be a tough task sometimes.

For Rachel, the hardest part of listening to her daughter talk about problems at school was keeping her own emotional reactions in check. She told me about the first time Dana came home complaining about recess.  "It was my worst nightmare hearing her say that no one played with her - that she went to the other side of the playground and played by herself.  I thought I was going to break down and cry on the spot," Rachel explained.

Rachel did indeed have a difficult task. In order to support her daughter, she needed to put her own issues on hold. If she was to truly listen to Dana, she couldn't become consumed with her own thoughts, such as "Oh my God, I've cursed my child with this."

What can Rachel do in such situations? First, she needs to encourage Dana to talk more about it. She can say, "I'm glad you're talking to me about this. I want to hear more." Then Rachel can calmly listen, without offering advice or judgment at this point.

Depending on what Dana says, she can check out possible things she might be feeling. She can say, "It sounds like you felt lonely and sad playing by yourself." Or, "I wonder if you weren't sure how to join in with the other kids."

By listening and helping your child talk about feelings, you're taking away some of the sting and setting the stage for future problem solving.

Step 3: Give your child permission to go at his or her own pace. Peggy, a mother of a 4-year-old boy, seemed to instinctively know not to push her son too quickly in new situations. Her son, Tyler, had wanted to take gymnastics lessons for as long as she could remember. The first night of class, however, he changed his mind. It was a struggle just to get him to the YMCA for the lessons, and then, he didn't want to participate. He cried when the instructor tried to coax him into joining the other children; instead, he jumped into his mom's lap and grasped her neck so tightly she thought she might choke. 

How did Peggy handle the situation? What did she do? Probably just as important as what she did, is what she didn't do. Peggy didn't:

• Tell her son not to cry.
• Tell him, "There's nothing to be scared about."
• Tell him, "Don't be so shy."
• Act angry and say, "You were the one who wanted to do this."

While all of these responses are understandable from a parent who is frustrated and embarrassed, they will do nothing to help the situation and, in the long-run, will hurt the child's self-esteem.

Instead, here are some of the helpful things Peggy told her son:

• "It's OK to watch first."
• "You like to check things out before you jump right in."
• "New things are hard."
• "I used to feel scared when I tried new things."

By making these type of statements, she validated his concerns. In effect, she let him know his feelings were normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Other ideas that might help in a similar situation are to talk with your child at home about what to expect. If you've been to the YMCA before, talk about what the building looks like, where the gymnastics room is located, and if neighborhood children you know are also registered for the class.  Plan to arrive a little early so your child can become more comfortable before the class begins - perhaps meet the teacher and see where you will be sitting.

Tyler needed to watch for most of the entire first class. Because his mom had told him this was OK and nothing to feel bad about, he loosened up and seemed to enjoy himself, even if he was mostly observing.  Toward the end of the class, Peggy walked with him to where the group was, and they sat together on the floor while the teacher demonstrated how to do something. By allowing Tyler to go at his own pace, Peggy turned what could have been an unpleasant experience into a successful one - and one that he would feel comfortable trying again.

Step 4: Break the event into small, manageable pieces. Sometimes new social situations can be daunting for children because the whole thing seems huge and overwhelming. If possible, break the event into smaller pieces that your child can relate to. For example, Eric's son was nervous about his first den meeting for Cub Scouts. His son had no idea what to expect and the images he formed in his mind were frightening, not to mention way off-base. Eric was able to reassure his son, Collin, with the following pieces of information - information that broke the meeting up into smaller, more familiar pieces:

• "Remember the time you played at Derick's house? The meeting will be at his house and you'll probably have a little time to play before the meeting, just like you did the other time you were there. I bet he had some neat stuff."
• "You've met Derick's parents before. They seemed pretty nice, didn't they? His dad is the den leader. He'll be there to tell both of us what we're going to do."
• "We'll probably sing some songs, play a game, and eat a snack."

Collin had no idea what a "den meeting" was like, but he could relate to playing at Derick's house, singing songs, and eating a snack. These things were familiar to him and helped him feel less anxious about attending the meeting.

Step 5: Remind your child about past successes. It's also important to help children remember their previous successes and to build on those. For example, Peggy reminded Tyler that he hadn't wanted to go to Sunday School at first, but he now enjoyed it and looked forward to it. They talked about how it had been scary for him because he didn't know the teacher or the other children. For the first few Sundays, his stomach hurt in the morning and he couldn't eat any breakfast. Peggy told him that what he was experiencing starting gymnastics class was just like what he had gone through in the beginning of Sunday School. He might be nervous for a few weeks, but then he'd get used to it and it would be fun.

Step 6: Give it time. Encouraging a cautious child takes a lot of time and patience. For example, Peggy didn't expect that by saying a few supportive comments her son would leap off her lap, ready to turn cartwheels without ever looking back. As we mentioned, he sat on her lap during most of the first gymnastics lesson. The second lesson he joined the group only with her staying out on the gym floor with him. The third week she was able to step back a few feet. By the end of the eight-week session, she was sitting with the other parents while watching Tyler enjoy himself. Her gentle encouragement, support, and accepting attitude allowed Tyler to overcome his anxiety and feel successful in the process. They both had reason to be proud.